By: Chef Ninjin
When you think of Japan, what comes to mind? What morals or principles does the country generally stand for? One thing the Japanese clearly prize is harmony. The Japanese people are known for being considerate of others’ feelings and for trying to avoid “rocking the boat.” These attributes can be endearing, but there are downsides to prizing harmony above all else.
Amae, a Japanese word which seems to lack a good English equivalent, can be translated as “dependence.” According to Takeo Doi’s book “The Anatomy of Dependance,” dependence begins with a child’s reliance on his or her mother for nourishment and comfort. Such dependency is natural and necessary, but Japanese culture has, interestingly, extended the dependency of amae well past childhood. The goal of amae is to become one with another being, or “to obliterate the pain of separation” (72-75). Doi recognized that attaining this level of closeness with another person is impossible, but that does not seem to stop the Japanese from trying.
In adulthood, the mindset of amae continues. Many rely on groups of peers, friends, and coworkers for their sense of belonging. No one wants to be subjected to “the pain of separation”, or rejection, from the group, so individuals try to fit in with the group by following whatever the other members decide.
While people do need to depend on each other and live in harmony, this cannot be our primary goal. We are only meant to be fully dependent on God. Too much amae can actually be destructive in human relationships.
For one thing, when we rely on other people for our sense of belonging, we miss experiencing the truest form of harmony: the perfect oneness that can only be found in God. Any human relationship is a poor substitute. To be one with God, you need to have a relationship with him, but knowing God requires an individual to obey Christ’s command to “follow me.” Sadly, this can be a paralyzing requirement for the Japanese, who are usually afraid to walk with Jesus if it means looking different from others in their established groups. Christians will not always fit in with the rest of the crowd because God calls us to counter-cultural ways of life that will cause a person to stand out.
Another issue that arises from the practice of amae is that the one who depends can easily become too demanding, placing undue stress on the other party. We are created to live in dependence on God. When we try to replace God with another person, we run the risk of demanding more than a person can give. This leads to frustration and broken relationships.
In school, I read a novel by C. S. Lewis called “Till We Have Faces,” in which the main character, a queen named Orual, was so dependent on others that she effectively drained the life out of those around her. She required much of the people closest to her. Because she wanted to spend more time with one beloved servant, Bardia, she loaded work on him: she brought him with her to fight many wars, and she gave him manifold affairs of state to handle. One character told Orual, “… your queenship drank up….and ate out his life.” (264-65). Orual was tragically unaware of what she was doing until it was too late. Eventually, Bardia became exhausted to the point of total weakness and death.
People are quickly drained when relied upon too much. Without accepting God as the source of our life and joy, we will be consumers, always looking for someone to provide what we are missing. By God’s indwelling strength and amazing grace, however, we can reverse the cycle and become lights in the lives of others.
In its current form, amae inspires an unfulfilling way of life, but the need for dependence is real. Instead of finding security in groups of other people, we must seek oneness with Christ. Only Jesus can offer the unconditional love and acceptance that all people seek. By depending on Jesus, we can experience healing in brokenness and learn to love others well. May all hearts find the joy of amae – of loving and depending on the source of all good things.
Sources:
Doi, Takeo. The Anatomy of Dependence. Kodansha International Ltd., 1981.
Lewis, C.S. Till We Have Faces. Mariner, 2012.