Tips for building relationships with Japanese people

By: Chef Tofu

In my experience, there are three main ingredients needed to build relationships with Japanese people: trust, reciprocity, and time. I started building relationships with Japanese people in college and continued befriending and investing in Japanese people after graduating college, moving to Japan, and now after moving back to The States in the Japanese community in my area. After eight years of investing in Japanese people, I’ve been constantly struck by their thoughtfulness and selflessness in friendship. Japanese people make the dearest friends.  

Trust. I’ve identified trust as a main ingredient in making Japanese friends over the years as I’ve come to realize how highly Japanese people value friendship, relationships and their community. For Japanese people to trust you with the honest details of their life and with their community, we must earn their trust. In America, we share our thoughts, feelings and emotions easily to our friends, and sometimes even to strangers. However, I’ve found that Japanese people sometimes keep these things to themselves in order to avoid burdening their friends. For Japanese people to feel safe enough to let us into their world, instead of expecting to become instant friends, we must do the necessary work of building trust through patiently meeting them where they are until deep relationship is formed. 

Reciprocity. While in Japan, I learned through experience the importance of remaining “equal” with your Japanese friends. Jesus teaches us to serve, love, and give. However, with our Japanese friends, we can serve, love, and give too much; to the point that they may feel in debt to us and feel the need to repay us. In Japan, when I gave a present to my Japanese friends, they always gave me a present back. If I cooked a meal for a friend in need, she felt the burden to repay me. In some ways, giving can burden more than help, so we must assess the situation beforehand to avoid burdening our friends through giving and rely on God’s wisdom and direction. At the same time, when we enter our Japanese friends’ homes or if they do something special or thoughtful for us, we should be sure to return the favor to them through a gift or something thoughtful. This is how we can show our respect to our friends in a way they will feel honored. 

Time. In any relationship, time is always an essential ingredient. However, with Japanese people, trust goes right along with time. Particularly as a foreigner in Japan making friends with Japanese people, it’s important for us to prove our heart motive in befriending Japanese people and that our heart is for their good; not to use them or to gain anything from them. This only comes with time; going to the park together, sharing meals, and sharing our lives. I also always made it my aim to go first in sharing my difficulties, struggles, and even just my heart. In this way, Japanese people feel the freedom to share their hearts as well, lessening the burden in their minds that they may cause us by sharing their hearts with us. I’ve found as I honestly share my struggles with my Japanese friends over time, they almost always share openly with me. This always leads to deep relationship that every human longs for. 

As we enjoy friendships with Japanese people, made in the image of God, we can learn how to express God’s love in different ways than we have before. We can be challenged to be as thoughtful and selfless as our Japanese friends. Most importantly, we can share where the true source of all love, friendship, and trust is found; in Jesus.